Break ups, new beginnings and going off track.. 

It’s hard to try and unscramble the thousands of things in my head to put it into words but I need to unload some of it to try and refocus my world and get back on track.. The last 4 months have been beyond crazy and once again I have let my emotions control my eating which has lead to me putting on weight and losing total control of where I was..

In the last 4 months I have split from my husband of 9 years and started a new relationship that comes with its own set of challenges which I won’t bring into this right now.. I have experienced a feeling of total emotional numbness at times and all my old habits have crept back in.. I have some major insecurities about my future and that of my son and guilt that I have caused so many people pain in pursuit of my own happiness.. 

I have been the victim of bitchiness and bullying at the hands of people who should know better and have struggled with trying to be the bigger person and not be sucked into a negative world due to their issues..

I have pushed people away and tried to deal with things on my own and be the strong person I needed to be whilst breaking a little inside.. 

I have made excuse after excuse and looked for the quick fix evening looking at things the old me swore against.. 

I have said Monday again and again and failed over and over.. I have looked in the mirror and hated what I see.. I have been disappointed and broken.. I have doubted the person I am and lost my self worth.. Feeling like I don’t deserve what it is I want in my life..

I have to believe however this is just part of my journey and that I will bounce back stronger then ever because deep down I know I can.. I need to remember those reasons I started.. Being around to see my son grow up.. Not being the fat mummy at the school gates.. Liking what I see in the mirror and being healthy..  

 have learnt a lot about myself during this challenging time and know that once things settle the future holds so much for me and my loves.. I appreciate everyone who has stood by my side and those who have checked in to see how I am.. Reminding myself of my mantra – I can. I will. 
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What is beautiful anyway?

Recently I have started following Tess Munster who is the voice behind eff your beauty standards and somebody I truly give props to for everything she stands for!

Now I see many comment on Tess’ posts where she is referred to as ‘overweight’ ‘Fat’ and ‘unhealthy’ and her response to this is one to be admired! She is confident in her body and is healthy and happy with how she is.

Self love is not something someone can sell to you in a box or a 12 week program.. It is something you have to find yourself! It is something I am working on each day.

Who decides what is beautiful and what isn’t? What might be beautiful to you may not be beautiful to someone else. If we truly all believed in what the ‘beauty’ magazines sold to us then the world would be a lonely, uninspiring place.

It is ok to be a size 22 and still love yourself and have confidence in who you just like it is ok to be a size 8 and feel the same! Being body positive at any shape or size is important.

It might seem hypercritical that I am on a weight loss journey and yet I am saying eff your beauty standards. I’m not losing weight to fit a mould, to be a certain size or be who someone else thinks I should be. I am doing this for me. To be healthy, happy and set good examples for my son.

I think the ‘beauty’ magazines would be better off focusing on health instead- I don’t believe being a smaller size makes you automatically fitter or healthier and this should take priority over what you might look like.

Teaching our children to be healthy and love the way they were made will get them further in life then shoving images in their faces of how they ‘should’ look! I for one will be teaching my son self love and to never judge a book by its cover!

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#dandelionmovement ⭐️

2014 was such a huge year for me…It’s true what they say that working out and being healthy creates all these happy lil endorphin fairies within your body and before you know it you take all this newly found confidence and happiness and literally want to change the world!

For me this passion is on making a difference to other people like me.. People on this journey… And that’s what the #dandelionmovement is about! I want to motivate and inspire, I want people in the industry, the people with the power to make changes to recognize that support and inspiration for obese women and men is a priority and something that can make a real difference to not only their business but to society. This is not about getting sympathy or making excuses… I own the life I had and the choices I made that seen me get to where I was.. It’s not about disrespecting those who have always lived a healthy life and worked their butt off to stay healthy… It’s about recognizing a need for change and giving a voice to those who struggle to be brave…

Obesity is a major issue in our country and we constantly hear that our society is getting fatter, our children are becoming obese and that the health system is not going to be able to cope but yet the majority of gyms and health foods are focused at healthy individuals. The advertising, the clothing lines the judgmental looks and lack of support networks are feeding the problem.

I believe that if I can help just one person turn their life around, join a gym, make healthy choices then they too can feel the happy little endorphin fairies. They can then inspire or help another person do the same!

I want to be there for people starting out so they can talk to someone who truly does understand.. Help those who are starting out understand there is nothing to be afraid of.. Teach them to love it like I do.., pick them up if they have a bad day…teach people who haven’t been in their position understand that it’s not all cut and dry and that sometimes things will fall apart and that they can’t just ‘fix’ them no matter how hard they try.. Teach them to love themselves no matter their size or number on the scale, because you have to have self love to make it through the tough times that come with this journey.

I’m passionate about bringing like minded people together to help change peoples lives one day at a time…

To me the dandelion symbolizes so many things including new beginnings, growth, healing and life.. All of which I want 2015 to be about ✌️

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Having a voice – Putting a stop to the stigma!

A letter I wrote to the amazing fernwood head office.. As always a great response received.. Watch this space for more to come on this 😊

“I don’t know if you are the right person to send this to or even why I’m actually writing this (I have a sick lil man and have not had a lot of sleep so my mind tends to wander) but I hope you’ll bear with me 😊

I have noticed that a lot of fernwoods advertising/marketing and social media focuses on fit healthy woman and woman who have reached there goals. Please don’t get me wrong I think is great and I support all woman no matter where they are in their journey but think it would be beneficial for woman like me to see that this wonderful woman’s only club is really for every woman no matter your age, size or fitness level.

Joining a gym is tough no matter whether you have 5 or 50kgs to lose but for someone who has been close to 180kgs it is even more daunting. Given the growing obesity issue within Australia it is apparent that there is a need for change and I think fernwood has the right clientele to make that happen.

I have been a part of a 30+ Michelle bridges 12 week challenge group on Facebook and have found being amongst people with like minded issues and challenges helpful and wondered whether something like this could be created within fernwood. A network or extra support group where people can share there struggles and get support.

I have found my Instagram to not only help keep me accountable but keep things real and show that life’s not always perfect. I know when I have those shitty days, weeks or months that there is someone who has been there and done that and bounced back from that. A simple comment of support can mean so much.

I did a class last night where there was a lady who was a similar size to me but not at the same fitness level (despite my weight still hitting around the 120 mark I have a fairly reasonable fitness level) and I noticed the very real struggle she was feeling and could totally relate as I have been there. I wanted to say to her just keep going but find that it is difficult sometimes when you don’t know how that person is going to respond and you don’t want to offend anyone. I wonder if there wasn’t this stigma around talking about when something’s tough or not going right and knowing there were other people going through the exact same issues would have helped in this situation? I work out with a great bunch of skinny, fit beautiful ladies who have supported me through my whole journey and I love them dearly but they haven’t been where I was or even where I am now so it’s hard for them to truly appreciate the struggles of a morbidly obese woman on this journey.

My pt and food coach has been a wealth of knowledge and support and I am so grateful she is in my life and truly believe I couldn’t have done this without her.. But again she doesn’t truly understand..

When your addicted to alcohol you just stop going to bars or buying alcohol… Addicted to gambling you can stay away from tabs or race tracks to avoid temptation but when your ‘addiction’ is food you can’t stay away from it – you have to eat to live. Overcoming this is hard and I know for some people it probably goes deeper than what a support group could deal with but it might help to support them to take the first step.

I love my club.. The staff and trainers are such beautiful strong woman who are supportive and awesome at what they do.. But I didn’t know that when I signed up and having had bad experiences in gyms before it was difficult to come back..

This year I have changed my life and whilst I still have a long way to go I really want to support woman (especially mums) like me who just lost themselves to make the plunge and get there life back. Show them that there are genuine people who care and what to see you achieve your goals and be happy.. Show them they can do it.. It is possible and that fernwood can support them during there journey. The happiness I have gained this year really has changed my life. Fernwood is more expensive than other gyms and this year I have spent more in gym fees than I have in my life but it’s been so worth it and I wouldn’t change that for anything! What I have learnt and taken away so far is priceless.

Wow.. Sorry this is really long.. Just wanted to pass on my thoughts/suggestions/ideas in the hope that other woman might be able to get out of life what I have this year 😊

I appreciate your time xo”

Finding peace with my fear…

So for the last few months now I’ve been at a plateau and in the last three weeks I have put on 5+kgs and well if honest I’m fuckin annoyed about it so it’s time to pull my head out of my butt and get real!

My pt has been trying to ‘work me out’ and I said to her the other day let me know once u do ok… I keep saying it’s not like I got close to 180kgs cause I was beaten as a child or I was bought up in a bad family… I don’t have a easily identifiable reason why I got to where I was or why after 10months of busting my ass and being so clean I can let it all unravel so very easily!

So I am determined to find out why and in the last few days there have been moments where I have given this some serious thought… I was watching the fault in our stars (omg cried a river) and it triggered some thoughts – I think a huge trigger for me is FEAR…
Fear of failure, fear of reaching for something that might not turn out how I want it to, fear of being a bad mum, fear of hurting my husband or my beautiful child and mostly fear of dying or having someone I hold so close leave this world…

I’ve been lucky in life to not have had to endure much loss of loved ones and I am grateful for that… Since having my son a fear of dying and not seeing him grow old is something that haunted me for so long… This was the reason I started this 10mths ago and this is the reason I can’t go back…

I like to think of myself as a strong person but I have an inner fear that sometimes takes hold and I think that sometimes this fear feeds the inner beast that is my addiction…

So how do I conquer something that is very real… How I do I beat something that is natural and a reality of life… Well that’s the magical question I guess and something I need to work towards…

I want my son to grow up being everything he wants to be and not letting anything hold him back… I want him to grow up in a world where people care and I want him to learn to appreciate life and everything that comes with it…

I want to give back.. I want to achieve my goals and motivate people to overcome fear… Kick the bullshit restraints to the curb and make a better life for themselves…I want to stand up and tell people it’s ok to have fear but not ok to let fear control u…

I’m going to make some new goals in not only my journey of weight loss but in my journey to find peace with my fear… I’m going to take chances and put myself out there to be a better person and also help others do the same…

Fuck fear…

A little bit overcast…

Normally I’m a bundle of positivity and Sunshine ☀️ but this week has seen a few clouds dampening my spirit and making my vision unclear☁️☁️☁️… I don’t know whether it’s been hormones or something deeper but this week I have faced some old demons that have hit me pretty hard. Excuses and bad food have made an appearance as well as letting people down who have done so much for me.. The feeling of disappointment not only in myself but that I have disappointed other people when I fall off the wagon is hard to take sometimes and I don’t know that they truly understand just how hard this journey is.. I did boot camp this morning and whilst I push just as hard as everyone else I look around and I’m still the biggest person there.. My saggy skin makes noises it shouldn’t and I know that no matter how hard I work I won’t ever look like them… I know comparison is a killer and u shouldn’t let it consume u but sometimes it’s hard… I never started this journey to look good in a bikini but to think about the extra skin I’m going to have that will probably never be fixed without surgery gets me down… I have so many wonderful supporters who are always here for me and encourage me everyday but they have never been where I was or even where I am now so they don’t really understand… I have one bad meal or loosen the reigns for a weekend and I feel like I am just going to lose control… Sometimes I do lose control and then I feel guilty that I have let people down… Argh this road is tough… Everyday is hard… I feel people still look at me like wow she’s so overweight coz they don’t know my story… It hurts and sometimes it gets too much… Today’s a new day right… Let’s find the Sunshine and rainbows again 🌈☀️🌈

What happiness really means to me..

When I was tagged in a post about listing 10 things that make me happy I thought ‘that’s easy’ and started rattling off a bunch of things in my brain… My son, my husband, family, friends, rainbows, unicorns etc…

But then on my walk this morning where I tend to think.. A lot… (Between avoiding magpies and scary looking guys) I thought about what true happiness is.. My view on happiness has changed a lot in the last year. When u work hard every day to achieve goals and make yourself a better person happiness is an unexpected achievement that comes with it ☀️

More and more I’m learning that true happiness can’t be bought or possessed it must be earn’t and a part of who you are deep inside… The smile on my sons face provides me with instant happiness and is something that can never be replaced… The feeling I get when I’m able to smash out a session in the gym when just last year I could barely walk 200mtrs without being short of breath… The feeling of confidence that comes from losing weight and actually liking how I look in the mirror… These all provide me with unmeasurable happiness and I’m grateful for that everyday!

If people in this world chose life and happiness over possessions and wealth I truly believe (at the risk of sounding like a hippy- mind u I have the hairy legs of a hippy at the moment) that the world would be a better place… 🌈

Choose happiness today! Smile, love and feel true happiness ❤️

Food addiction and life..

Someone recently said to me that people with food addictions have it the hardest of all addicts because you can’t just stop eating… At the time I was in a reasonably good place and thought it’s all good ‘I’ve got this’ and didn’t really take ownership of the fact that I didn’t get over 170kg by chance..

The last 8mths have been great – over 50kgs gone for good and a complete change in confidence and overall enjoyment of life.. I’ve made some great friends and really thought I had everything under control.

The last month or so it’s become apparent that this is far from the truth.. Work has stepped up and with that my stress levels have increased and with it the ‘return’ of my emotional eating.

I recently approached my food coach about giving up food coaching as I felt I could save myself some money because we just had a chat and she just weighed me which I could go myself.. Thankfully she read me like a book and talked me out of it as after another weekend of binging on crap it is clear that I might know the right things to eat but I need to address my inner demons and instead of feeding them put my feelings out there and just feel them.

I don’t have a deep dark secret or some haunted past that causes the reaction to stress/sadness with food but much like people who turn to drugs or alcohol to feed a need within them I need to learn to talk this out and use alternative methods of dealing to these types of situations.

My motto is I can. I will. and through this blog I plan on ‘feeling’ my way through the next 40 kilos to my goal and keeping myself accountable each step of the way. I will beat this addiction and be the person I want to be. ✌️

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